Miscarriage. Did you know that as many as 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage? A lot of them happen before a woman even knows she's pregnant. But still. A miscarriage is not something you assume will happen to you. And then it does. And then what?
I went to my first sonogram when I should have been 9 weeks. I was irritated because in the past I've pushed my first sonogram to 14 weeks because then they usually tell me the gender. But my new doctor wanted a sonogram before 12 weeks. When we got into the sono room, the first weird thing happened. The tech couldn't see the baby from my belly so I had to get one of those super fun vaginal ultrasounds. An image popped up on the screen that indicated the baby was actually only 5 weeks and 6 days. Could my dates seriously be that off? I am an avid cycle tracker but I wouldn't put it past my mom brain to track on the wrong date. So we decided I should come back in a week for a follow up sonogram. If you've ever had a baby, you know the last week of pregnancy is actually 37 days long. Well the week between these sonograms was even longer than that. My anxiety was through the roof. When we finally got to have this followup sonogram, it was painfully obvious that there was no longer a baby forming. And then she turned on the microphone and all we heard was silence. There was no heartbeat. I'm wondering if I even had a heartbeat in that moment? If you know me, you know I appear to be made of stone. Clearly my body knew this baby was not going to develop so it did what my body was supposed to do. And now we don't have to wonder where we're going to fit a fourth child in our tiny house. And now I won't be 9 months pregnant at my husband's graduation.
But now I don't get to have a baby in May.
I already have 3 beautiful, perfect children. I am so blessed. Other women have it so much harder than me when it comes to fertility. But any miscarriage is a lost child and every miscarriage is hard. I had a d and c really early this morning and physically, my body feels amazing. Those early pregnancy symptoms are gone which means I'm not tired all the time and I don't have a nose like a hound dog.
But I'm interested in seeing how my mind and heart heals.
We were prepared for this. Like I mentioned above, I am an avid cycle tracker. When the dates were going to be 3 weeks off...I knew. There was no way. But my husband knew immediately that something was wrong. The day I told him our exciting news, he told me he felt weird. Did he know what felt weird? Of course not. But now we know we were being prepared for this trial. Isn't it interesting how that works? I was mad at him for telling me he felt "weird" about this baby, but it did put the thought in my head that maybe everything wasn't perfect. And then it wasn't, but I was prepared and I'm so grateful for that.
Wow Emily that’s so powerful to share! I always have this awkward guilt because I got to have 5 perfect babies and I’ve never had a miscarriage. But the ultrasound we had st 19 weeks with Wyatt they saw “ something “ and sent us for some more in depth imaging and testing. And told us based on what they would find we would need to decide whether or not to do amniocentesis for some genetic testing. I’ll tell ya, I was scared out of my mind! Obviously it was all ok but it’s amazing and how motherhood and womanhood humble us!!
ReplyDeleteOh man, reading this was tough. I think we have to give ourselves time to mourn. And grief has no time limit. I still think of my miscarriage nearly 8 years ago. Not with the same heart pain as I did then, but is a part of me and journey. I'm so sorry this all had to happen, but I think learning that you were being prepared and then taught lessons are the miracles we can see despite it all. Love you sister and think of you often!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story!! I suffered a miscarriage in July of this year and nothing prepares you for it. I had a feeling that something was off as soon as I took that test, and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be getting a baby, but it was still heartbreaking. Good luck to you with your healing! ��
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